Introspection.

From October 23rd, 2000 – the day I entered this world – until September 27th, 2018 – the day I was outed – I had to hide who I was. Even after being outed, I was forced to conceal my being until I was independent, financially, physically, and socially. The closet was not only my home, but it was my safe space. Where the outside world assured me my sexuality was detrimental, my closet would support it, hold me closely, and shelter my physical body from the harms of those around me. Even non-figuratively, in my youth, my closet held my secrets. The closet of my childhood bedroom hosted two large posters until my brother was born in 2006, one of Hillary Duff, the other of Gwen Stefani. I would spend hours sitting on the dark floor of the closet, admiring and thinking of the lives those women led. On multiple occasions, I would kiss those posters – not out of romantic or sexual interest, but of thankfulness, gratefulness; They gave me a life to look forward to. 

As I mentioned in Queer Identity Formation – A Personal Reprise, I wanted to let my queerness be known immediately after I was outed. My controlling parents demanded that it be kept to myself. Still, I would make it more known at school, more known to my cousins, and more known on my social platforms. My disclosure at the time, unbeknownst to me, was not entirely genuine. While I did want to come out, I sought to tell more people simply because my parents told me not to – this is deviance. It wouldn’t be until I moved out, on August 10th, 2019, that I would finally come to understand who I am, who I was, who I will be. 

The closet, while certainly beneficial to my protection and safety, is not without its flaws. In order to shield me from the horrors of my parents and their catholic community, the closet created a barrier between what I understood queerness to be and what queerness actually is. At the time, being gay meant that I liked men, that I wanted to have sex with men, that I wanted to love men. I won’t deny that these are facets of being queer, but they are not all encompassing of what it means to be a queer person. To each person, queerness means something different. This, is what queerness means to me:   

Deviance is a recurring theme in my writing. Whether it’s societally imposed upon me or should I recognize my active participation, thematically, deviance exceeds my writing and occurs in reality, in my life, daily. Parts of my deviance I choose, making an active choice to pursue an action that others may deem negative. Other parts of my deviance – most notably and specifically, my sexuality – are only deviant by outsiders’ perceptions. Most people, perhaps most cis-hetero people, attempt to distance themselves from any thought or action deemed deviant. As creatures, us humans crave acceptance, normality, and traditional patterns. Yet, for  some time now, I have chosen not to ignore, distance, or change my deviance; 

Instead, I choose to lean in. 

Let’s start with the obvious – the easily understandable: I am gay. My sexuality alone signals my deviance in society; I don’t desire traditional reproduction. Should I choose to have children in the future, I am confident I would attempt adoption before other methods. Unlike the asexual members of my community – who are deemed even more deviant than myself – I do desire and enjoy sexual activities. These sexual activities deepen my deviance. Most often, I am a bottom; I prefer having a dick in my ass, which, by our societal standards, is more deviant than if I were to put my dick in someone else’s ass… which I do as well. More so, I am sexually explorative. I do not fear trying something new, I vocalize my kinks or fetishes to my sexual partners, and my naked body is available on the internet for those partners to view at their leisure. Instead of burdening myself with the shame and guilt society suggests I feel, I make an active choice to be confident in these actions. I own my body and my psyche; Only I can change my perception of them. 

Somehow less easily understandable, but along the same lines: I am Genderqueer. If you aren’t quite sure what that means, allow me to explain: I am neither male or female, nor do I use the label non-binary. By my own perception – the only one that matters when it comes to my body – I am a genderless vessel; simply put, I am Jojo. You can refer to me using he or they pronouns. Genderqueer, though, does not suggest that I am not impacted by gender. I was born with a penis, and use it similar to how most other assigned-males-at-birth do. I am deviant by means of not claiming the gender I was assigned. I lean into this deviance by presenting masculinely. Upon first glance, I am a man, sometimes even a straight man. My masculine presentation deviates my deviation, providing an alternative perspective for what being genderqueer looks like. In a society where flamboyant-ness can get you killed, I am protected by deviation, yet still more exposed than the protection my closet provided. I am safer in my genderqueerness than I am as a male faggot. 

Reclamation is another form of my deviance. If you’ve read the previous nineteen entries, then you are well aware I have no qualms with using the word ‘ Faggot’. In fact, I prefer using faggot over fag for that very reason. Faggot is harsher, it is more surprising to the unexpecting listener; fag is quite a bit more colloquial. The term used to berate, shame, and kill our community, is a term my community now uses for endearment, love, and respect. To the minimally-deviant, the employment of faggoterminology is extreme. To me, I no longer even view it as deviant. During my time at the University of Kansas, I wrote multiple papers on the reclamation of faggot, and multiple papers that used the word faggot without hesitation. 

The University of Kansas broadened my understanding of my own deviance. In my undergraduate capstone, I deviated by starting my project over from scratch. The project I executed and submitted, itself, was deviant. I synthesized various methods for academic research; One of which was Queer Auto-Ethnography, a method that is not accepted or allowed in academia. Where the use of that method could have resulted in the delay of my degree and total restructuring of my already restarted project, I instead received the award for best capstone. In autumn of 2023, I applied to KU’s graduate program for Women, Gender, & Sexuality Studies. By the end of January of 2024, I was accepted, and began preparing for my entrance into graduate school – this book. As our year progressed, as the Palestinian Genocide continued, and as universities committed atrocities to their student protestors demanding divestment from Israel, I understood another facet of my deviance. 

My time at the University of Kansas proved one thing to me: the university relies on its financials, not on its students. Though marginal, I understood the $11,000 graduate degree to contribute to the university, and chose to defer my enrollment until the Palestinian Genocide has ceased, or, until KU has divested from Israel. My deviance enables my willingness to delay my education – after all, there is no reason why I am allowed an education while Palestinian scholars are not. I hope to obtain my graduate degree in the future from a university that supports its students and supports the lives of the oppressed. I have happily deferred my enrollment, and will continue to defer until mine or other universities support justice. 

My deviance allows me to make the decisions I see best-fit for my life. Aside from higher education, I make active choices in the actions I take. My deviance is the reason I felt comfortable to break up with my most recent ex-boyfriend. Though our relationship was beautiful, loving, and happy, I understood being single to be what I needed. I loved Tyler harder than I have loved any partner, but my life is my own; Not his, and not ours. Similarly, my deviance enabled me to step down from not only a management position, but from a management position that I founded. The details cannot yet be discussed, but my deviance in this case helps to exemplify my morality. My deviance prompts my vulnerability, and my willingness to share the intimacies of my life with the public. My deviance, my queerness, creates my prosperity and my success. 

Specifically, this book has discussed my enablement of others’ infidelity. I understand this deviance to be genetic, passed to me from my parents. While there isn’t confirmation of my parents’ infidelity or their enabling of others’ infidelity, there is confirmation that my parents actions are taken in benefit of themselves, and themselves only. Similarly, my willingness to allow others to cheat, via my body, is an action I chose to benefit myself, and myself only. Most minimally-deviant people may accept their narcissism as an inherited trait from their parents; Again, I choose to deviate. I do care for myself more than others, but I no longer take actions that will harm others for my own benefit. My parent’s narcissism is deep and severe; Mine is minimal, and now trends towards reparation over self-pleasure. And, in my own defense, my deviance prompted me not to douche before the final infidelitous activities with Zak and Jacob. 

Shitted on ‘em. 🙂

I support my deviance with vocalization, with writing, with persistence, and with love. Acceptance is beautiful, but it is not my aspiration. I do not dream of the traditional or the normal; I dream of individuality. Moreso, I desire to be heard, to be listened to. I long for the understanding of multiplicitous standpoints and perspectives. 

Each of us are deviant, each in different ways. 

Our singularities make us human, yet as a species, those various singularities fuse us into one. 

*****

Born Joseph Inherently Jojo

October 17th, 2022 

I got a third degree burn at just three days old; 

Scolded with water, too dense to float. 

Buoyancy for those who believe and 

Damnation for those who don’t.

My love, don’t you worry, you won’t lose yourself.

You find beauty, grace; strategy, divination. 

My love, you will be happy; palpable pulses consume your being. 

Elation, honor, passion.

My pride for you is immeasurable; I am beyond proud.