Jojo Katsbulas
Hi, my name is Jojo Katsbulus and you are listening to the Kansas Trans-Oral History Project. Today I am in conversation with Alexandra Rhiannon Larson, who is a Kansas native from Topeka, Kansas. Alyx, could you tell me a little bit about yourself: your age, your pronouns as you prefer them?
Alyxandra Larson
Yeah, so my pronouns are she/they, probably a little bit more on the she/her side of things. I’m 26 almost, 25 currently, and yeah, I’m just…
Jojo
And can you tell me a little bit about how you would describe your gender using she and they pronouns and then your gender in general?
Alyxandra
Yeah, so I think that describing gender is really interesting to me because, like, I identify as non-binary and trans feminine, but I think that my experience is closer to femininity and being a woman most of the time. Oftentimes, there is a phrase tossed around, of like, ‘I’m anything but a man’ and I’m absolutely somebody who subscribes to that and will say that. I kind of don’t care as long as I’m being perceived feminine. It’s a win for me. And that’s kind of like where I’m comfortable.
Jojo
Gotcha. So can you go into a little bit more about what trans feminine means to you and maybe for the viewers who may or listeners who may not know what that phrase means.
Alyxandra
Yeah, so for me personally, that is rooted in having been born in a male body and being a girl this entire time. Like, my trans femininity is very much an expression-realization of who I am inside, which like, duh, that’s gender at the end of the day. But I lay in that trans feminine label most of the time because I don’t feel a strong calling to specifically trans women. I don’t feel strongly to be identified as a woman specifically. And so that general space of the trans feminine umbrella is a lot more comfortable for me.
Jojo
To me, it, kind of, sounds like you are- you are very connected to the label of or the prefix or label of trans specifically, moreso than the label of the specific sexualized gender, the sex characteristics of that gender. What about the the trans label that really connects to you and your being?
Alyxandra
That’s a really great question. think that…
Part of it’s probably community driven a little bit because like of course there’s notions that come into play with identifying as a member of the trans community. That’s a big part of it. In that world, I… I very strongly experienced my life prior to transition. And, I think that I kind of stick with the trans prefix so much as a way of honoring and validating the experiences that I had prior to my transition, because those were just as important to making me who I am today as everything since the first day that I started going by my name, since the first day I started taking hormones. Trans encompasses that in a way that’s more meaningful for me.
Jojo
Yeah, to me, I think that makes a lot of sense. What you’ve talked about so far is how your gender is really felt inside of your being. And it’s not so much external, but that the external perception is important to you. So I think it makes a lot of sense that community is such a big factor in how you’re perceived and how you are feeling affirmed in yourself. So I love that.
So going a little bit less deep, can you tell me about your experience growing up when and where you were born and how that your early childhood was- was significant in your life, if it was?
Alyxandra
Yeah, for sure. So I was born and raised in Topeka, Kansas. I stayed in the capital city until I was like 22, I think. So, all of my experiences are in Topeka, all of my formative experiences, I feel like, in the childhood realm.
I would say generally my childhood was, like, by and large pretty positive. I of course had some of the tribulations of, like, having divorced parents when I was like eight years old and like everything that comes with being a child of divorce. So I was constantly back and forth between houses. I was used to this experience where like home was wherever I was at that time, which was kind of cool. I went to school in, like, arguably a pretty decent elementary school. I was lucky and also damned in having my mom work for the school district and work in the school that I grew up in.
And that was interesting because that closeness kind of limited the way that I was able to experience growth on my own. She knew everything. She was present in anything, which at the time I felt a lot of comfort in because I always had my mom in my corner in that way. But when I think back on it, I… around like fifth grade or so, recognize that for the first time that like, maybe this is actually a negative thing and isn’t really great. Of course, you’re getting like, the kids are bullying me because my mommy works here and she’s saving me all the time or whatever. But like I asked her to leave. I asked her to quit working there so that I could have that experience on my own and start building.
Jojo
And what was her response to that, if you remember?
Alyxandra
I think that she recognized it at the time. She was experiencing some strife in her personal life, I think, around that period, too. So it just kind of ended up making sense for that change to happen.
Jojo
Was that kind of her own strife? Was that in regards to the divorce or just other life matters going on?
Alyxandra
I think if I remember right, it was kind of precipitating from the divorce. My family has been very riddled by mental illness in a variety of forms and my mom’s a great expression of anxiety and depression and that’s something that I, like, distinctly remember growing up. So I think that that might have been kind of like a little blue phase, if you will, for her.
Jojo
Definitely. Having your mom at school while also going through that divorce, did you feel like an excess of freedom during the times that you spent with your dad or the weekends that you were with him or anything there? Was it, kind of, just more impactful from your mom since she was always there? Or did you feel the difference there with your dad as well?
Alyxandra
Yeah, there was definitely an ebb and flow. It’s really funny that I say that I had, like, an arguably pretty good childhood because I think that I think of an arguably good childhood as being accepted and, like, mostly encouraged to be myself. But at the end of the day, yeah, I did feel a lot more freedom and a lot more, like, room to breathe when I was with my father because he was an alcoholic. He was drinking the majority of the time that we were cohabiting space and that’s what it was, was cohabiting space even all the way back then.
Jojo
And that kind of, it sounds like that gave you the freedom to be able to look a little bit more into yourself and look into other options that kind of surrounded you around that time?
Alyxandra
Yeah, absolutely. So that was, like, probably the original tipping point for me to start having a conversation with myself and journey surrounding specifically sexuality at the time. That was the key thing that was occurring. Like as hormones were starting to ravage my fucking body, I started to really feel and notice the differences between me and my peers. And that was really by way of the freedom that I got to experience when I was away from the structure where my mom was kind of looking over my shoulder.
Jojo
I gotcha. And can you give us, kind of, like a timeline here? Like what grade are we looking at right now?
Alyxandra
I mean, we’re probably at sixth grade. Yeah, like fifth going into sixth grade. It should be like that early, early time. And it was like informed to by like bullying. Everyone around me knew that I was queer before I knew that I was queer.
Jojo
Sure, been there.
Alyxandra
Yeah. And it, it was something that I then explored as part of one: they’re all fucking telling me that I am. So, well, maybe I am. And then they were right. But that started out that way. And realistically, those early, early formative experiences, when I talk about the freedom that I had in my dad’s presence during that time was because of my access to the internet. I think that I was lucky that I had a father who worked in IT and we had a home computer. We had multiple home computers. And that allowed me quite a bit, I mean, between that and the alcoholism, allowed me quite a bit of unsupervised time with a computer to start to investigate the alternatives to living the life that I like, was kind of built for me up until that point.
Jojo
And those investigations online, how would you describe them? What websites were you going to? What types of content were you consuming at that time?
Alyxandra
Yeah, it was- so like some of us of course like the typical throughout there like searching on YouTube like boys kissing boys. I distinctly remember and like the middle of summer getting caught looking that up on like my grandparents home computer, my like Catholic grandparents home computer and getting, you know, just.
Jojo
That’s amazing.
Alyxandra
But doing that type of thing, I also was pretty frequently in forum spaces. So I was, and am, arguably pretty nerdy. I’ve always really been into Pokemon. I’ve always been interested in… a little bit more geeky-cultural stuff. So the forms were an easy place for me to go and those things hold all sorts of people and all sorts of types of conversation.
Jojo
And it’s also, it’s giving you a form of community, but it’s also giving you a more niche form of community that you already have other interests in. So, yes, that’s beautiful.
Going back just a little bit there, you mentioned how bullying was impacting you and how other people may have known that you were queer before you had even come to that realization. Can you describe the bullying that you were receiving at that time, whether it was name calling or physical or if it was more in relation to your sexuality or your gender or how that impacted you?
Alyxandra
Yeah, my God, I haven’t thought about that in a really long time, actually. Yeah. it’s, a lot of it was really centered in my mannerisms. I now have the hindsight to be able to acknowledge that. People were actually probably picking up on my transness and they were using that as the ammunition for whatever bullying I was being subjected to. I mean, I was called a fag. They told me that I was gay constantly. I’ve always struggled with my weight. People would make fun of me for my weight pretty frequently.
I distinctly remember a number of times because I of course always roamed with the girls. I always felt more comfortable with the girls. I can’t believe I didn’t notice it sooner, but I remember people, like, making fun of me and telling me like, like ‘Alyx wants to be a girl. Alyx thinks that she’s a girl’. And I just vehemently denied that.
Jojo
Absolutely. Do you think- Was that denial coming out of just an ignorance to what it means to be trans or was it more of just- just that that’s not- you wanted to to fit the mold that they were- were, kind of, giving you.
Alyxandra
Yeah, I think that it was actually probably rooted a little bit more in the opposite. I think that it was probably a little bit more so. We were… I was trying to be everything that they didn’t say I was. I denied those things and fought against those things because I didn’t want them to be right. And at that point in time, like really, I had like experiences of my transness but didn’t understand it.
Jojo
So in experiencing your transness, you’re referring to kind of like the mannerisms that your bullies may have been picking up on and how they may have been kind of noticing it before you. Are there other things, other aspects of your transness that you were recognizing, not at the time were happening, but you recognize now that were happening back then that you wouldn’t have recognized back then?
Alyxandra
Yeah, I mean, you might have just heard me say when hormones began to ravage my fucking body. I hate- like everyone hates going through puberty; I hated going through puberty. I was the first one in my class to do so. I was, yeah, like it’s gross to me to think about. Like I was, like, having armpit hair before everyone else. I started to develop chest hair before everyone else. And like I dress in a way that was one: comfortable for me – So, like, I was wearing tank tops primarily. I was wearing shorts really frequently just because I was also a bigger kid and that gave me the most like range of motion. That also put all of those types of things on display. And I… I think that that’s like my biggest moment of being like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that was my transness. That was me being trans in that moment, hating this so much specifically for the masculinizing things that puberty was doing to my body.
Jojo
These aspects of puberty are occurring to you and that other people are picking up on them and you are also somewhat aware of them at that time. Are there any instances that you may have noticed during puberty or shortly after where? Your transness is, maybe jumped out to you a bit more? I’m curious if any of those instances may have happened to you that you, at the time, were completely tuned into yourself and being like, ‘maybe this is something that calls my name.’
Alyxandra
Yeah, I think that, so quite literally right around that time frame, I just, this is like sixth grade as this is all happening. I came out as a gay man at the time. And as I mentioned, the internet was a really core part of my, like, community and an opportunity to see people more like me. And at the time, it’s fun to think about. I had been, like, pretty religiously watching Gigi Gorgeous’ channel prior to her transition. And I can very specifically remember, like, when her coming out video posted because she kind of did the blurring of gender lines thing for a little bit beforehand. She was presenting more feminine.
Jojo
Would you call her blurring of those lines androgynous in any way? Or is it just like a more general type of blurring going on there?
Alyxandra
Yeah, I don’t know that I described as androgynous. I think blurring in the mindset of someone who was publicly still identifying as a man or like sharing that expression, but… was then beginning to lean into their femininity a lot more. I remember her growing out her hair, I remember her wearing heels, I remember her wearing dresses. I, like, very distinctly remember a video of her like walking by her pool and jumping in in a bikini and like these, like, really deep purple like velvet Jeffrey Campbell heels. I distinctly remember that and I remember those things because I remember seeing all these and being like my god it’s me. Like this is… I’m seeing how I feel and at that point in time because of my understanding of my transness I was like well like ‘if he can do it I can do it too’ or whatever. then that firm. But I remember, like, her coming out video coming out. I remember sitting, we had our home computer in the kitchen of my mom’s house. And I remember watching it and being, like, confused and also so excited and enamored.
Like, my God, what does that mean? How does- what is she, like what’s next? How does this open new opportunities for her? And I was thrilled about it. And if you grew up during this time and were a creature of the internet, you maybe had an experience where your parents didn’t necessarily get what was happening or like the kind of parasocial relationships that you formed with YouTubers or, your friends online that are in different countries or whatever. But I felt so close to her in that moment. I remember going to my mom and like being gleeful about… her announcing her transition and coming out as trans. And like, at that time too, I remember it being kind of this, like, gauging moment of, okay.
Let’s see what the reaction is here.
Jojo
Definitely testing the waters. How that might relate to your personal life later on. I think that’s an experience a lot of queer and trans people can definitely relate to. And so talking about Gigi’s coming out experience kind of leads us into: I was wanting to ask how your coming out experience was originally as a gay person and then later on as non-binary and then nowadays as a trans woman. How that- how those different experiences of coming out have impacted you?
Alyxandra
I was going to say, you want to know about my coming out, which one?
Jojo
Yeah, I would say for now let’s just start with coming out as a gay man in the beginning.
Alyxandra
Yeah, it was fun. Again, I say fun; It wasn’t actually fun. But I remember I came out to my mom first. Actually, I came out to my sister first, like over text as being bi. And this is, like, the day of my, like, birthday, I think, which, like, our birthdays are right by each other. But so I did the stereotypical bi-stepping-stone thing, which, like, is not real and not valid. And I don’t subscribe to that. And so I came out as bi via text to my sister, saying I was a little chicken shit, queer kid, and didn’t feel like I could say it to someone’s face, which is, you know, reasonable. I told her. I did my birthday stuff with my family on my dad’s side first, where I was so turned in on myself. That side of the family wasn’t a space where I felt comfortable talking about that. But I remember my mom coming to pick me up, and we were driving back to her house to go meet my fam- like my mom’s side of the family for my sister and I’s birthday celebration and my mom, kind of, was quiet. I didn’t really have a lot to say to me when she picked me up and, like, we’re maybe halfway or a quarter of the way back to her place and I remember her asking me:
“Someone told me that you… you said you were bi, are you? Do you know what that means?” And that moment I was like, fuck my sister – Which of course I love her for that now. But I learned that after I told my sister, my sister told my mom and my stepdad and both my stepbrothers. The space that I was going into had all heard the news before I could share it personally and my mom asked me those questions. I remember her crying and me crying. And there was a lot of turmoil in that moment.
And I remember her asking me, “well, you don’t want to be a girl, right?”
Mama, that shut me down. Sobbing, sobbing. I was like, no, of course not. I don’t want to be a girl. But that shut me the fuck down.
I lived in that space for a minute. I started going to therapy. Really, like, ultimately was, like, yeah, no, just like boys. I’m just interested in boys. That’s all it is. And I had decided that I wanted to just come out publicly at that point. I had felt comfortable enough that it was time. So I sat, my mom and my stepdad down and I was like, hey, this is the thing. So I don’t like girls. And everyone’s been calling me gay. Everyone’s been saying that I’m a fag. They are right. And I don’t think that it’s fair to me to, like, hide it when I know that it’s true. I’m over it.
There’s a lot of crying, a lot of concern about my safety. And that’s been the throughline in all of my coming out, is this concern about my safety.
Jojo
And is it your safety in regards to your physicality or your safety in regards to health and wellness, like disease, or what kind of safety have they been most concerned about throughout those experiences?
Alyxandra
It’s safety from, I mean, we were in the Midwest. We’re in Kansas. We’re arguably in a fairly red area. The safety has always been about: one, other people attacking me. Am I going to get physically assaulted? Or killed?
There is a matter of emotional safety too. The concern was always though, are you strong enough to take this on? Are you strong enough to deal with people speaking poorly of you? Well girl, I’ve been doing it already, so like, yeah, duh.
And then I think there was an unwritten third or unspoken third safety in like safety of perception as a whole because in that coming out experience, I was about to be the only out person my age in the district that my mom had just left from going into then middle school where everyone was going to combine from our like four schools or whatever. And I think that there was, like, a genuine concern about ‘what is it going to look like if we allow you to do this thing?’ Quote-on- quote ‘allow’. I don’t think that they had a perception of it being like a permissible thing, but I think that was there, kind of.
Jojo
Would you agree that their concern there was mostly for you and your being rather than the perception of them as parents or the perception of them parenting you?
Alyxandra
Yeah. I think it was centered in me. Especially at that time. I mean, I was like 12.
Jojo
Right about to go into middle school. And so how long between coming out as bisexual and coming out as gay? Like what- what amount of time passed in between those?
Alyxandra
Let’s see, that’s like, that’s probably nine months or so. Yeah.
Jojo
Do you think that Gigi was your first occasion of hearing the term trans or had you heard it prior to Gigi?
Alyxandra
I think yeah, I think that Gigi was probably the first. At least in my soul searching that I’ve done to this point, I think that she’s probably the first that I really stand out. I also had experience with drag at that point. I was watching Rupaul’s Drag Race at that time, like a little bit. And I probably heard it in that space too, but Drag Race was real different back then; Real different back then actually. So I probably did hear it, but I don’t have a super strong relationship to hearing it in those spaces.
Jojo
Can you talk a little bit about your relationship with drag and how your experience of consuming drag may relate to your transness?
Alyxandra
Yeah. What a beautiful art form! What a fun way for people to permit themselves to explore gender and what it does or doesn’t mean. I feel like…
Jojo
“Protect Queer Art!”
Alyxandra
Drag ended up being another one of the little gateways to understanding my transness. So I did the thing, I came out as gay, I told my father over text, I came out publicly, I started watching Drag Race. I was in this space of seeing this weird mainstream kind of consumer-y drag. And I was hooked.
I was, that’s like the next fandom type space that I entered was drag and then like Tumblr at that time. I was very intrigued by all of the people who are running their own, like, drag race on Tumblr and like sponsoring what we would now I guess call like ‘local queens’. I don’t mean that in any way, or form, but queens who were not on Drag Race and I think that… I had my first, like, experiences of questioning my gender identity in spaces where drag was somewhat of an influence, where, like, cross-dressing was occurring.
Jojo
What are some of those spaces to you?
Alyxandra
I remember… God, it would have probably been we’re now going on a number of years forward to think of this so… I had an experience in the basement salon of a, like, really good friend in high school and they were actively very involved in theater, had a number of different, like, costumey type pieces around we’re in a home salon.
I don’t remember why I was there for any real reason. I was there intentionally every time I was there, so I was kind of surprised that I don’t remember. But what I do remember is that she and I were physically built pretty similar, my friend and I. And there was this halter top polka dot, like white polka-dotted black dress, like, costume dress that was around. I said, “mama, I got to put that on my body.” I’m going put that on my, the time, little baby otter body. And I, like, stepped into this dress and it was over. Like it was over. I loved it.
That’s, like, one of the first ones I think that- I remember trying on one of my mom’s dresses at one point in time, she had this, like, really, really long, like, black sequin-y, I don’t know, like, if it was formal or what. It was kind of just, like, giving mom dress. I remember, like, slipping that on and feeling really good in it.
And then if we like think, much later on as at a time where I’ve, like, now identified as non-binary: I did drag at work. I showed up to work in drag for Halloween.
Jojo
And what did you do for work at that time?
Alyxandra
I worked at the front desk of a financial institution. So I was the first person that anyone saw when they came in. It was downtown. I was the first person who anyone saw. Everyone had to talk to me who came in. And I walked my six-five ass and six-inch platform heels around the little lobby at that place and felt like on top of the world
Jojo
And you mentioned it was for Halloween. How did that feel to you to be able to express yourself in that way on Halloween? Did it feel like you were, were, were you wearing drag at that time for it to be dragged for Halloween? Or did you feel like you were being able to express yourself because of the holiday that was occurring?
Alyxandra
Yes! I think it’s a little bit of both. Realistically, I had been considering drag as something that I was interested in pursuing, something that I wanted to get involved in. Spoiler alert, that was just me wanting to be a girl. But so part of it was a planned instance of drag. But then another part of it was like, well, I’m kind of feeling my oats in my little non-binary little girl tea. So that was fun. I think it was a little bit of both.
Jojo
Totally. And what was both the reaction of the workplace as well as the reaction of your consumers?
Alyxandra
It was actually, like, generally pretty good. I don’t know. I think drag makes people happy. I think that I am and was lucky to have a pretty infectious personality, which made that a lot easier. My colleagues all thought it was amazing. I thought it was just the coolest thing that I had prior to where it got into drag and shown up that way.
Jojo
Good. I’m happy that that’s the experience you had with it. I’m interested to know how you view drag happening in your home-environment at that time and how you see it happening in your environment now, whether that’s the frequency of it or how prevalent it is in the difference- in the different environments and kind how that relates to your life?
Alyxandra
Yeah, you know, I don’t always like to give someone who fracks a whole lot of credit; However, I do think that the popularization of RuPaul’s Drag Race has a big part in changing the way that drag is in public space. When I first… started consuming drag, I was so young that I couldn’t go to clubs. I could experience it digitally. But the only method of viewing it digitally was either pirating or paying for the extended channels to watch it on Logo. And that was my only access to drag at the time. As time went on, there were a couple of drag shows for Pride in Topeka made it out to those and like lived, lived! Had so much fun! I distinctly remember – shout out – miss Amanda Love, like, coming and sitting with me and chatting with me about, like, who I am and my experience at the time, like, formative memory. That’s going on in Topeka at the time. There was still not a dedicated space for drag and there’s still that kind of isn’t what there is. So now it’s so mainstream. It’s, it’s such a beast and the thing – beast! – and the thing that is a blessing and a curse about that comes to play and that, oh my god, you can see it anywhere you want, at any given time. Maybe not necessarily locally, but even locally, like, in Lawrence now huge scene huge quote-on-quote, like, huge comparatively to what it was. Your ability to interface with that type of experience is so much more prevalent. However, on the flip side of it: it’s I think sometimes there’s a little bit to be lost in how mainstream has become and primarily in the ways that it now overlaps with, like, cishet culture, just as a way to engage with queerness.
Jojo
Do you think that drag is more or less online now than it was, say, back in middle school? Specifically, do you think you’re experiencing drag more online or more in person now?
Alyxandra
Yeah, nothing’s changed about me. I’m still a digital girly at the end of the day. I- and it’s by far more digital for me.
Jojo
I gotcha, I gotcha. We’re gonna take a pause there.
Alyxandra
Awesome.
Jojo
Okay, so switching gears here. I’m interested to know if you practiced religion or worship throughout your development? Or if you do now, how that has impacted your life?
Alyxandra
Yeah, no.
No, I never practiced. I don’t practice. I was raised by a mother and father who were raised traditionally Catholic, both of them, non-practicing. They had made the decision that they weren’t going to raise me in any specific faith because they wanted to allow me to find that on my own. Props to them for that, great job.
However, I did always have the overlooking eye and word of my paternal grandparents who were Catholic as the day is long. I was constantly reminded about my need to develop a relationship with God so I’m not damned and encouraged to come to church. I think I went to church for, like, a Christmas mass once. That was kind of fun. I learned about zipper ring, the zipper method for cars. So I don’t really know what the zipper method for merging had to do with Christ and saving me from damnation, but I still use that every time on the highway, so props to that pastor. I loved him. But I just, it had a presence in… Like making me feel kind of isolated and different. When I came out, one of the local churches caught wind, my grandparents church conveniently enough because one of the other students went to their family and their family went to the church so they prayed over me in mass. That’s how my grandparents found out was gay at the time. It’s just kind of been an ongoing, like, feature. It’s been around, but I don’t think that it’s necessarily informed a whole lot for me.
Jojo
For sure. Do you find yourself practicing any form of non-organized religion, anything that’s a little bit more individualized or spiritual back then or now, or is it just not a major role in your life?
Alyxandra
I… I think that by way of my transness and also, not mostly by way of my transness, I am a divine being. I feel very connected to some things. Not any particular, like god or goddesses or… anything but just, like, I hate saying the universe, but the universe. I feel very aligned with something that’s occurring outside of what we can perceive on a regular basis.
Jojo
Can you expand on what divinity feels like to you in that sense?
Alyxandra
Yeah, I think first and foremost, it’s, like, it is in the joy that I experience through my gender expression and the joy that I feel outside of it. I know that to be divine. I also feel pretty strongly that in my relationships, there’s something about me. I don’t know what it is. I’m not trying to say like I’m God or anything, but just this, greater understanding outside of just a communal experience that I feel very in tune with. And it allows me to feel in tune with other people and I believe that to be divine.
Jojo
Absolutely. I find a lot of people see their church or their chapel, whatever you may call it, as kind of their third space outside the home and outside of work. Without that space, kind of, existing for you in the form of religion. I’m interested to know if you have any specific third spaces that are important to you or any third spaces that may exist in real life or online.
Alyxandra
I think that oftentimes I don’t have a particular third place. Over the last 17-ish months, I’ve been on a journey with sobriety and traditionally, and I think even pretty much locally, queer-third-places are heavily informed by the consumption of alcohol; Which is not to say that I can’t participate in them, and I have from time to time, but it doesn’t feel like a third place for me. I think that, oftentimes, I fall back on third places in the form really of like other people’s homes. I understand that home is, like, one of the three, but when it’s specifically those spaces that you can truly be yourself, truly tap into that, and everyone’s welcome, communities welcome, that’s a third place to me. And I find that I really rely on my friendships and their home space for that.
Jojo
I think it’s important to recognize and validate that friends can be a third space, even if it’s in your own home. I’m interested to know a little bit more about your home and how you see that as a safe space for you and your community. If you could talk a little bit about that.
Alyxandra
I think that I, one: am the most comfortable and the most me in my space. I’ve spent the majority of my adult life in search of a home that I felt like I could truly be me in. And I think that’s something that I’ve cultivated to this day. I don’t think necessarily by means of anything radical, not in the material items that are in it or even the methods of communication I employ in the space. I briefly mentioned, I think, in my childhood, kind of learning that wherever I am is home. And… as aligned with my transness today. And I talk about feeling the most comfortable in my home. I think that’s more so nowadays because I feel the most comfortable in me. I feel more comfortable in me than I ever have. And because of that, that invites in everything that I need and want. And that includes community in those spaces.
Jojo
Do you find other communities outside of your home specifically important to you, even if they’re not a third space, but other communities that you may participate in? I’d like to hear a little bit more about those if those are prevalent in your life.
Alyxandra
Yeah, sure. That’s a tough one because I think outside of maybe professionally, I don’t experience a sense of community outside of like really my friendships. It’s friendships and professional life for me.
Despite feeling the most comfortable in my skin and my body and who I am, if you are paying attention, the climate around us is pretty fucking treacherous at the moment – Despite this deep, deep desire to be amongst community and to be amongst queer folk specifically. I find myself, like, really at war with getting to that place. So really it’s- it is my chosen family. It’s the people who are close to me today and have been close to me. My ride or dies for the last several many years. And then my professional network which is, like, pretty surface-level as it is.
Jojo
Would you consider any of the online spaces that you’re active in to be important communities to you? Or are those just kind of separated differently in your mind?
Alyxandra
I think they’re separated a little bit differently in my mind. I don’t know that the online spaces that I’m engaged in today, that I would really consider them community-driven. I think that they’re wonderful avenues by which to, like, see people and see experiences and feel validated and affirmed in that, but I think that it’s pretty one-sided. Digital spaces for me are the modality by which I’m able to engage with that, like, existing network of people that I, like, really trust and really close to, as community, today.
Jojo
I understand. That makes a lot of sense, actually.
Switching gears again here, could you discuss what it was like to come out in your other two coming out experiences, both as a non-binary person and then a few years later as a trans woman?
Alyxandra
Sure. Coming out as non-binary was probably the easiest coming out that I’ve had. I think it was, like, my experiences thereafter that maybe informed the difficulty of being queer here. I’m, like, I’m pretty sure that I posted on my Snapchat story on like, non-binary visibility day. I think it was that easy. I think that I started using the label at that point in time. Which, although easy and like… maybe non-consequential and in, like, a big picture perspective, I, the work that it took to get to that point alone was like… significant because I had gone from this experience of performing as a gay male for the first like 20-ish years of my life to breaking down that I was not just a feminine man. That wasn’t right for me.
Jojo
What did that deconstruction consists of for you?
Alyxandra
Well… I think I was right around the time of the COVID-19 pandemic that that, like, initially began, like, the, like, actual coming out- coming out of it. So you can imagine that there was, as someone who struggled with alcohol abuse and isolation, I spent a lot of time in bathtubs with beer thinking about getting drunk and thinking about who I am and what this all means and why we’re here. And as part of that speculation, was able to be like, I just came to, I don’t think that it was even a number of, like, steps or specific things I was breaking down.
I came to the being where I was like, no, no, wait a second. These thoughts just aren’t aligned anymore. It doesn’t make sense.
Jojo
You used the word performing before as a male. You were putting on this gay male performance. that was being changed. What did you notice about the change from performing as a gay male to now performing as non-binary? Did you notice a change?
Alyxandra
Yeah. Yeah, really good question.
I think the change, realistically, like, I mean it was internal, more than anything, because I was pretty much doing the same shit. It wasn’t like I suddenly was more… fluid in my gender presentation. But, by coming to that realization, I permitted myself to be able to consider that as even an option and also to recognize that the feminine behavior and mannerisms that have been present all my life again, like, weren’t tied to my masculinity. It was this thing that could now exist on its own as part of the totality of who I am and not just like a description to describe my masculine experience.
Jojo
Definitely. It’s a part of you, not your whole existence. At that time, did you have any relationships with other trans or non-binary people?
Alyxandra
my god, did I? I think at that point in time it probably was still pretty much of, like, look don’t touch experience.
Yeah, I think that really I wasn’t engaging with it a whole lot. I didn’t have those relationships formed. I was perceiving the onslaught of other people who were having similar experiences as a result of what we went through. But I don’t think that there were, like, specific strong ones at that point in time.
Jojo
I know you talked about the alignment and the misalignment, but was there a… a specific instance and it’s okay if not that you remember that you were like, ‘okay well this is this is the point where I’m I am now identifying it as this and a few months later I may come out as non-binary’ or is it just kind of all like a fluid process in that portion of it?
Alyxandra
I think in that portion of it, it was very fluid. I was… I was drunk the majority of the time, as that was all unfurling, so there’s a good chance that I just kind of don’t remember. But it all was a very fluid change for sure.
Jojo
I got you. And how much time do you think passed between coming out as non-binary and then going into the identification of being a trans woman instead, or trans feminine?
Alyxandra
I think that the circles are the same.
Jojo
Could you expand on that?
Alyxandra
Sure, so I certainly believe that the non-binary experience is an experience of transness, myself. So I, like, grappled with and kind of came to terms with understanding that as being true, right? But also, pretty much as soon as I came out as non-binary, the door was open to me thinking about whether or not maybe I’m just trans femme, maybe I’m just a trans woman. Because, again, I gave myself permission by identifying as non-binary to allow the rest of that to become a part of me in a way that’s meaningful.
So the new… question in my mind was, well, which part’s stronger? Like, who’s going to win in this battle here? And it wasn’t really a battle, but… The circles are the same. It kind of just happened at the same time. There were thoughts that percolated at that point in time, considering it. But I probably didn’t really lean in maybe for… years, I’d say.
Jojo
And while you were identifying as non-binary, how was your experience of what we assume to be masculine traits and what we assume to be feminine traits, how were those altered under that label of non-binary?
Alyxandra
This is a really great moment for me to acknowledge that I don’t believe things are inherently masculine or feminine. And that was a thing that I learned through that time. When I talk about things being masculine or feminine, it’s based on the societal perception of masculine and feminine. But, during that time, I stopped- I just stopped worrying about it and was no longer really concerned with whether or not I was being masculine or feminine because I was just being at that point in time.
Jojo
I’m interested to know if you have any thoughts about masculinity or femininity being at all inherent? Are there any aspects of them that- that are innate to- to being masculine or feminine or are those always constructed in your mind? Or does it exist somewhere in the middle ground? It doesn’t always have to be a binary in that way.
Alyxandra
Yeah, I think that perhaps people have inherent traits about them, but they’re not masculine or feminine until we assign them that. And that happens before someone’s even born.
Jojo
I got you. Now, can you tell me, moving on from being the non-binary coming out experience. Could you tell me about your experiences coming out as trans?
Alyxandra
Sure! So I said that the time after coming out as non-binary was where being non-binary got tough. And being non-binary got tough because I was a trans woman who was pretending to be non-binary. So, like I said pretty shortly after coming out as non-binary, I started to kind of question whether or not maybe this is actually just a way that I’m woman-ness, femininity. I descended a little bit more into the throes of alcohol abuse as a result of that. Because I found pretty quickly that that was the way that I got in touch with that person, me, today.
Jojo
I don’t want to ask your leading question here, but I’m interested to know if alcohol provides that release of inhibition that you are able to cast away what is societally expected of you or pushed upon you; And so being able to release that allows you to really truly connect with yourself outside of those- of those barriers or obstacles on the- the outside perimeter of it?
Alyxandra
Yeah, I think that that’s pretty true to the way that I was experiencing at the time. And the flip side of it was that, I was agonizing over my potential transness when I was sober. That’s all I could think about. Everything came back to that. Everything.
And it was… first, like a numbing escape thing. But then once we got past that numbing escape, it unfortunately circled back to that place of lost inhibition. And at that point in time, that was the only way that I thought that I could access that part of me and not feel any sort of about it or even guilt about it. So I did that for a while.
I did that for a while. And I started to kind of bring those lines together and bring the loss of inhibition from my drunkenness closer to my sobriety. As I bridged that gap between… How can I start to explore this without feeling that shame and guilt and also without having to black out to get there?
So that was all happening in the background consistently. And I was thinking about it constantly. And I think that, kind of, like… brings us up to maybe like Lollapalooza, I would say, is probably, this would have been what, ‘23? That brings me up to that point of I think my first radical act of transness really came into giving myself permission to go by my name, while I was in Chicago for Lolla. That’s the first really open radical act of transness. And that, like, opened the floodgates. That really did open the floodgates. I gave myself that permission. Of course, with the help of very, very close friends who with me at the time. And, it was crazy to me at that point because I had… I’ve now come to terms enough to know that I’m trans femme. I’m terrified of doing the thing and starting my transition socially and medically at the time. That one change was… It was like night and day.
Jojo
And at Lollapalooza for those who don’t know, which is a music festival based in Chicago, were you drinking there at that time?
Alyxandra
Yeah.
Jojo
How would you consider your relationship to alcohol at Lollapalooza in comparison to your relationship to alcohol back at home?
Alyxandra
You know, in application, it was probably pretty similar. But I do think in my head it was a lot more calculated. Because like, I drank throughout that experience, but at that point in time, less out of a feeling of needing to. And that was probably the first time that I ever drank where I was like, I want to, as part of this experience, I don’t need to to get through it and access myself.
Jojo
Do you think any of that access to yourself, feeling more able to access yourself in that space, regardless of your use of alcohol at Lollapalooza, do you see any connections there to you being able to access yourself in that space and being in an environment that is not typical to you, an environment that is a new city, or a new festival, or a new this or that?
Alyxandra
Yeah, 100%. I think that I gave myself permission and I mean, I think that I even asked everyone that I was with, is this a thing that I could do while I’m here? Because at the end of the day, none of these people fucking knew who I was. I was able, it was like having the opportunity to reinvent on a weird scale. Because I wasn’t necessarily planning on bringing that home with me. But it was the first time that I was able to present myself, like, as I wanted without anyone else, like, without having to explain it, I think, to anyone.
Jojo
And you didn’t plan on bringing that home with you, but can you talk about how you maybe did, or if it did come home with you, how that process moved forward?
Alyxandra
Sure. That trip changed me. Point blank.
That was, like, kind of, maybe my first dipping my toe in presenting the way that I thought that I maybe wanted to. Identifying, using my name, doing all of the things. And I was, like, fully prepared to… maybe come out of it being like, well, that wasn’t right. That didn’t feel right. I should have known better in the way that, like, the lead up to it – and getting outfits for it – the joy that I experienced just in that and the joy I experienced being there that this was going to change my life in the way that it did.
So it came home with me at that point and that was… kind of where the real pursuit started of my transition. Still, sort of like not necessarily, I think, super-rooted in like trans femininity at the time. But again, because I believe that the circles are the same, I was like, well, I can be and am a non-binary person who’s on feminizing HRT, duh. I can do that. So I started to seek that out a little bit. It was very calculated because gender affirming care in the state of Kansas and in the slightly neighboring Missouri is difficult.
Jojo
And we’re looking at 2023. Where are you living at this time?
Alyxandra
At this point in time, I would have been in Kansas City. So I maybe knowingly fled from Topeka in pursuit of community and in pursuit of all the things. Got to KC, did this experience and got to learn a lot about myself in that experience. I had been eyeing a doctor at the University of Kansas Health System, KU Med, up there on the Olathe campus. I’ve been eyeing them for a while. I called, they said that there weren’t any appointments available. Ya girl took that as a sign of defeat and I gave up.
‘If there is friction, it is not time’ was a mindset that I really operated under for a while. So I… started, kind of, just trying to live a little bit more authentically.
Jojo
And what did that look like for you?
Alyxandra
God, I don’t- It’s funny because it’s, like, probably the biggest changes that I’ve experienced in my entire life. And I don’t think that I could even chronologically tell you what I did. I remember changing my usernames on everything. I started to have close friends refer to me as Alyx. I slowly started telling more people that that was my name. I remember doing that. That was big. Having people who I love call me by my name was really, really cool.
And also it became, like, really dissonant too because like… I was living a lot more authentically with a subset of the people that I interact with and then still masking around a lot of others, professionally especially, and somewhat with my family. So that occurred. I remember changing my usernames. I think I did that pretty early too.
But eventually I contacted KU Med, again, because I was actually encouraged to apply for a professional opportunity. And the idea of having my dead name associated with professional accolade that in my opinion is like a pretty big deal was, like, the final nail in the coffin that I needed to do something. It was, like, long past time for me to figure it out. So I called KU Med again and they’re like, ‘yeah, not accepting appointments.’
I said, ‘that’s wrong. They are. It shows that I need to talk to someone else.’ They kind of gave me some friction. Eventually got me to someone else, gave me some friction. I think I went through three or four different schedulers at KU before I finally got to someone.
Jojo
Looking back, do you think that friction is the same friction you experienced the first time you inquired with them and you just didn’t push forward any harder? Or do you think there truly was just a consequential friction in the first place?
Alyxandra
Yeah, so that’s kind of, where that, like, weird if there’s friction, maybe it’s not the right time mindset sort of came into play for me. It was the same friction. It was the exact same friction. I learned that later that and as part of that conversation within the fourth person who I spoke with that this doctor specifically because of working in the gender clinic at KU, their books are not open for anyone to just schedule. They kind of get vetted a little bit to make sure that someone who needs his services is going to be the one who’s being scheduled.
Jojo
I gotcha. So almost kind of like a cautious obstacle to have in place there. Could you talk about any other obstacles you may have faced in regards to starting your transition here in Kansas? If there are any.
Alyxandra
Yeah, I mean, I was, I knew that I wanted to change my name and I knew that it was important to me to do that legally, very quickly. Like, I had to get the ball rolling on that as I started my transition because I just… The experience of being in a space where you’re going to be addressed by your legal name and there’s really not a whole lot of control you have over that and getting dead named was horrifying to me then. I still don’t prefer it. It makes me a little bit uncomfortable. But I recognized my name being a big deal and changing your name in the State of Kansas is kind of an annoying task. I wouldn’t say it’s a huge, huge obstacle, but it’s annoying. And I am privileged enough that I at the time was like, still am pretty financially secure. And also am motivated enough to seek out the resources that enable access to these types of things. So I was able to get a pro bono student lawyer to be able to help me with filing all the fucking paperwork that goes along with it. Then… because of the way that the different counties work, having to figure out, are they gonna let me mail notices to my creditors or do I have to post my name change in the newspaper or a publication? I think I ended up posting mine in like Business Insider, Kansas City or something.
Jojo
And do you remember what their reasoning for having that be one of the steps is?
Alyxandra
It’s something to do with debt evasion. It’s funny that I say that because I actually know that’s why they do it. Because it gives the opportunity for creditors, if you’re trying to change your name in order to shirk out on a debt responsibility, gives them the opportunity to show up and sue you in the moment that you present at court for your name change hearing.
It’s, like, it’s an understood; I get it. I get why that happens. But I think all in all, it was going to be I think for that publication specifically, it- maybe spent like 60 bucks on it. And then just my filing fees to change my name. And this is- this is just so that the court would stamp it was, like, a few hundred bucks, which again blessed to be pretty financially secure, I could swing that and make it happen. I know that’s not true for everyone. And then for someone like me, the state of Kansas and the different courts, depending on county, also, some of them will do your hearing over Zoom and will do them as a remote hearing. That was not my experience. I had to go and take a day off work to sit in the courtroom for a couple of hours while I listened to family disputes. For the judge to call me up, look at my paperwork from my lawyer, tell me that I’m gonna regret having a ‘Y’ in my name instead of an ‘E’ because it’s always going to be misspelled and I’m always going to have to clarify it and then sign it. I probably spent maybe five minutes actually at the judge’s podium.
Jojo
Hmm. Five minutes, a couple hundred dollars, and lots and lots of paperwork.
Alyxandra
And that’s just to get the form that then lets you do all of the other stuff. So yeah, that was an obstacle. I am very glad that I did it at the time that I did because access to affirming gender markers is not a thing anymore. But I was lucky enough, I immediately went to the social security office and got all of my shit changed there. I went and got my ID. In the state of Kansas, you can’t update your gender marker on your ID. Thanks, Kris Kobach. But I went ahead and got an updated photo taken. I got my name on my ID. And just that alone was huge. Super, super cool.
Jojo
Once you got that document from the courts, what was the process like moving forward to get your name changed on everything? Was it difficult or easy or somewhere in between? Kind of varied by institution?
Alyxandra
Yeah, it depended on, again, depended on where, what it was that I was doing. Social Security, for example, the Kansas City office. Again, I sat there for hours to go up to the desk and have them print off a piece of paper for me with my name and my social on it that says that I’m going to receive my card and also pay them like, I think it was like a hundred or something to do that. I mean, from the time even with just the court portion from the time that I submitted my, like, plea, my documents for, like, requesting my name change to my actual court date. It was three months.
Jojo
That is just wild to go that long. It’s just wild.
What successes have you faced since starting the transition? Have you had anything that’s gone perfectly how you wanted it to?
Alyxandra
I think in hindsight, and, like, as it goes… I’m- I think that pretty much everything has gone exactly as I wanted because it’s happened. At the end of the day: it’s happened. And I’ve recognized that as part of my transition, there was going to be struggle and there was going to be friction and I was going to have to deal with stupid systems that aren’t meant to serve people like me. But at the end of the day, all I really fucking care about is getting the thing done.
Jojo
What expectations have been met or haven’t been met in the process of transitioning here in Kansas? Do you feel like there’s a difference in what you may have expected for the transition process to what it has actually been?
Alyxandra
I don’t know that I would say that I really- I think this is about what I expected. Given the climate of the way things are right now and really the way things were starting to ramp up as I was experiencing the first year of my transition. I think that that impacted it a lot and maybe threw my expectations a little bit for a loop because I didn’t think I was going to be in a position where I was going to be concerned about whether or not I’d have access to health care. I still do, luckily. I’m really grateful for that. I’ve been, I think I’m lucky in a lot of ways just because I had anticipated it to be hard in the ways that it is, and I’ve been lucky to be able to handle those things. There’s a huge financial burden with transitioning. Huge.
Jojo
And at this time of recording, you’re about a year and a half into your transition. Congratulations. Did you think a year and a half ago that you would be in a different spot than you’re in now?
Alyxandra
Thank you. I think that I’m probably further than I expected to be, not as far as I wanted to be.
And that’s like, just down to biology, because really, it’s just biological stuff. I knocked out all of the paperwork stuff really early. I have a secretarial mind. So I said, me go ahead and take care of the books first, so that I can spend the next rest of my life trying to figure out what doses of hormones are right for me and dealing with emotion fluctuation and all of the fun things that come along with it.
Jojo
Totally. Do you notice any differences in your relationships to trans or non-binary people since beginning to transition?
Alyxandra
I think that perhaps. I… I feel like one of them, maybe for the first time, because I always saw the trans community as a thing that I was on the outside of, which I was, kind of. I always battled the idea of being trans enough, especially when I was identifying as primarily non-binary, to take up space in… trans communities and to feel like I could have conversations about my transness with other trans folk. Because I was scared of being wrong. Not scared of being wrong about what I’m experiencing, but scared of being perceived as wrong. And I think my experience today is now a lot less informed by that. It’s still there, for sure. I still am kind of intimidated by all of the beautiful trans and non-binary people around me, but like, I feel connected to them in a much different way than I did before.
Jojo
Do you have any intergenerational relationships with LGBT people, specifically non-binary or trans people? Specifically also meaning, do you find yourself in communications with people in the community who are much older or much younger than yourself as a means of seeking advice, or giving advice, or discussing the experience of what it is to be trans?
Alyxandra
Well, they killed our elders. There are a number of folks who… are of an older generation than I am who are still present and around. I don’t have much of a relationship with them, but I see them. When I’m in spaces, I find that they are sometimes drawn to me. I mean, I do think I’m gorgeous and that might be part of it, but I do think that I have, like, a passing relationship with some folk. I do think that, as has been a common thread maybe throughout the majority of my life, I take on a little bit more of a matriarchal role, even being so early in my transness. I find that my intergenerational experience with queerness is, oftentimes, being a sounding board for questioning, developing queer minds, just because I care enough to be.
Jojo
Did you ever find yourself in the opposite role where you are the person seeking advice to someone who is fulfilling the matriarchal role within the community? Or have you always kind of been on that side of things where you’re the matriarch of that relationship?
Alyxandra
I think that I’ve typically been the matriarch of that relationship. There were a few gay men when I was young in my orbit. You know, my parents were friends with a gay couple and my mom had a gay hairdresser and the owner of the salon was gay and like… I had experiences with gay men and elders in that way and seeing that it’s cool. I have a queer cousin who works for GLSEN who I’ve had some experience with early on, specifically again around being gay, in the gay experience. And then my therapist that I saw throughout middle school and high school was a older gay man. But when it comes to seeking out advice or support from an older trans or non-binary community, I find that they’re a little bit more difficult to locate.
Jojo
Definitely. I could definitely see that being true, especially in Kansas and the environment that we’re in currently. Moving onward from, kind of, your gender identity specifically towards your identity in a more broad sense. I’m interested to know what aspects of your identity are most important to you.
…
Maybe it’s your hair, or your piercings, or your tattoos, or the way you dress, or something like that. Or it could be on a deeper level: such as your gender, or your sexuality, or the friends that you keep, or the family, or whatever it may be. What aspects of your being at large is critical to who you are as a trans femme person?
Alyxandra
I hope that… I want to be clear that this isn’t rooted in being self-absorbed by any means… But my impact is probably the biggest part of my identity that I cherish and hold close to me. All of the physical manifestations of my body in my person are fun. I love creating my avatar, changing it, customizing it. I love the relationships that I keep. I love the things that I’ve accomplished. But at the end of the day, the thing that is most important to me and that I always come back to is the importance of me doing all of the things that I do because it needs to be seen. And it is seen. And, even if it’s just walking down the street with my partner or correcting someone who uses the wrong pronouns for me over the phone – those parts of my impact are things that make up my identity and are probably the most important parts.
Jojo
Do you believe that existing as your genuine self, as a trans femme person, do you believe that enables you to be able to have more frequent and broader instances of that impact?
Alyxandra
I think so. In the Midwest, I would say maybe in Lawrence, not so much. I think there’s a lot of us. And I love that. I don’t think that, I think the thing that drew me to Lawrence was the ability to have those instances of impact maybe lower in frequency and increase in meaningfulness.
Jojo
Absolutely quality over quantity. Yeah, that’s amazing. I’m happy to hear that that’s an important part of your identity. Do you notice any specific influences on your identity as you exist today? Anything that continually influences who you are?
Alyxandra
I think that… Oftentimes I’m a mirror.
I feel very strongly that the people that are around me strongly influence my sense of self. Not from telling me who I am, but showing me who I am. And I think that really I’m just all of the parts of them. I think that when we talk about sense of self too, you have to talk about art in all of its forms. I’m changed by music on a regular basis. I’m changed by drag. I’m changed by so many things. And those are all things that change me in a way that inform how I navigate.
Jojo
Can you talk a bit more about how you’re influenced by music?
Alyxandra
Sure. My God, music saves lives. I was empowered to come out in part because of Lady Gaga’s Born This Way album… One of the Divas. She has- her music has constantly been there for me when I needed it. I’ve always been able to see myself in her creations. That’s super, super important to me.
I’ve always been able to… find music that is either emblematic of what I’m feeling and experiencing or is the complete opposite to get me to where I need to be or want to be.
Jojo
Are there any, you mentioned Lady Gaga, are there any specific Lady Gaga songs that really empower you to honor that sense of self, to be in line with that? Or is it kind of the collection as a whole or her being as a whole?
Alyxandra
I mean, the collection as a whole and her being as a whole, that’s mother. But when I think about it, I’m… Like, my inner child and my person today always comes back to Hair. That’s always been like, been the one when it comes to self-empowerment. Like it’s not even necessarily Born This Way, specifically. That whole album’s a masterpiece, but Hair specifically, just like, soundtracked a number of the like… anti-suicide campaigns of the time and like it was just queer joy and when I come back to it it’s always queer joy for me.
Jojo
Say by chance, Lady Gaga was listening to this right now, Would you say anything?
Alyxandra
I mean, not to be cliche, but like thanks for saving my life, and thanks for all the lives that you save.
Jojo
Amazing. I think that’s important. How- moving forward a little bit, how does being trans impact the other aspects of your identity or your being? Kind of like, demographically, be it race or class, ability, any kind of demographic signifier like that… Impact or interact with.
Alyxandra
Well, I would say that I’m extremely privileged and lucky to be a white trans person, or at least white-passing trans person. I find that… I’m extremely lucky to be trans at the age that I am and in the time that I am despite all of the shit because there’s so much community and there’s so much awareness. There’s so many people fighting openly and that’s really, really meaningful.
I also think that it’s interesting when we talk about being because Transness is probably the first on that list for me. Transness does inform everything else. Transness is the descriptor for me. And it also is usually an overriding descriptor. In instances where I would benefit from being white, I might not benefit from being white because I am trans. And I think that that’s kind of true. If we think about ability in some ways, some of the things that I experience in that regard would be similar. I may be in a position to have a more difficult time obtaining accessibility needs because of my transness. Transness makes things, oftentimes, harder, and always more worth it.
Jojo
Do you think your understanding of gender or transness has changed since coming out as trans or since going, starting, beginning the process of transitioning?
Alyxandra
I think that the way that I relate to those things has changed. I think my feelings surrounding it have maybe changed, but I wouldn’t say that my understanding necessarily has, because I think that… I think I’ve got my head around that pretty well. Now, my personal interaction with it, constantly changing.
Jojo
Do you think that having started your transition, you are more able to help others understand what it means to be trans, even though it may not be your responsibility to do so? Because it is not.
Alyxandra
It’s not. Yeah, I do think so. I think now… It’s kind of a double-edged sword because… Of course, the trans person is advocating and educating and doing all of wearing all of the hats that come with that. Unfortunately, oftentimes, and sometimes that diminishes the message. But I think that for people who are open and willing to hear us and value us who are even, like, questioning or confused. I’m in a much better position now to articulate the experience. Whereas before I was speaking from a informed understanding of other people’s experiences. Whereas now I can be like, yeah, girl, I’ve, I’ve climbed that mountain.
Jojo
You’re living it. Awesome. Moving into our last section here, I kind of want to talk about a variety of things that have different levels of depth and importance to them. First and foremost, I would love, if you could tell me about your proudest moment throughout your life.
Alyxandra
I think my proudest moment’s ongoing.
Every day I’m unlearning years of performing and feeling the need to perform as something or someone. And every time that I give myself the opportunity to just be, and have that be enough that’s my proudest moment.
Jojo
That’s wonderful. I think that’s the best proud moment. To have a proud moment occur every day as you’re trekking through life and moving through it. Could you tell me about your most challenging moment?
Alyxandra
Thank you. You know, I… Maybe it’s cliche. All of my proud moments are also my most challenging moments because of that unlearning piece. There’s this constant and real ongoing battle with myself that I have to present or show up a certain way. So it is always… my greatest challenge to choose me and to choose the thing that I really want, the thing that I really need, which is why then it’s always the most proud moment.
Jojo
I like that there’s that dichotomy there though, that they exist together and within each other, for you.
Alyxandra
And I hope that doesn’t come across as like a cop-out answer.
Jojo
I don’t think it does. I don’t think it does. I think that’s very good. Do you feel like you would like to make any comment on the experiences you’ve faced in regards to finances, your home or food and or mental health, physical health or addiction?
Alyxandra
I think it’s important. I’ve said it before, I’m going to say it again to acknowledge that I’m extremely privileged. I’m very, very lucky to be financially secure today. Maybe not tomorrow, but today. I maintain access to food. I maintain access to a place to live with pretty minimal fear of that being taken away from me. And I recognize that that’s not true for everybody. So I’m really honored for that.
Jojo
I think recognizing your privilege there is important, but it doesn’t take away from any hardships you may have faced in those things or may face in the future.
Alyxandra
And on the note of hardships, miss mental health, miss physical health, miss addiction, the data is there to show that we are mentally ill, not from our transness, but just in general, that we face higher rates of addiction. I am one of those people. And it’s informed a lot about who I am today. My mental health journey is ongoing. It will never end. I will always grapple with depression and anxiety. That’s just another challenge for me to overcome and be proud of my success in.
And from an addiction perspective: That’s by far the darkest time in my life. So I just want to make sure that I make space to address anyone who’s potentially struggling with addiction:
It is so hard. What you’re going through is so hard. Even if you don’t realize that you’re going through it, it’s hard. Once you realize it, it’s hard. But you can get through it and I believe in you and I think that you can do this, you can do anything.
Jojo
In your own journey with addiction. How did you grapple with taking steps to come out of the addictive behaviors that you were doing at the time?
Alyxandra
I think that I don’t think I know that I’m a bit of an anomaly in that I really did just wake up and say, I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. I had a great motivating factor in being that my doctor was a little bit hesitant about me starting HRT while I was in active addiction. But I think the biggest things for me as I was pulling myself out of it was to, like, you really have to lean on the people around you. You really, really do. You have to let people know what your intent is, what your triggers are, how they can be of support to you. And also accept and… understand that relapse happens. That was like my biggest fear. And I had tried to stop drinking a couple of times, like, off book, didn’t tell people I was trying, but like I was probably trying for the better half of, like, a year. It’s those things that you do, those relationships that you build, and that support that you have around you that makes those experiences easier. And also seek resources. I don’t have resources off the top of my head. But, surround yourself with people who can help and are willing to help.
Jojo
I think that’s beautifully said. I think that’s important to say as well, so thank you. Are there any important sources of support that you’ve interacted with that you would like to recognize here, whether in regards to challenges or successes that you faced or just in general throughout your life?
Alyxandra
I’ve been really grateful for the… support in- from my friends, from the people who are close to me, regardless of if they’re still a part of my life today or not. I do genuinely have so much gratitude for anyone who showed me kindness and anyone who was willing to share space with me as I got to where I am today. Because no one had to. And everyone had made the choice to do so, which is really, really cool.
I also think that my interactions with Trans Lifeline, Trevor Project, we see that information all the time, especially as queer youth growing up. They do amazing work. I’m so grateful that they both exist for our communities, especially queer youth today. Yeah.
Jojo
I think that’s wonderful. There are great resources out there and I will do my best to remember to put some of those resources in the little description box of this. But I think that’s wonderful. Penultimate question here: Can you tell me a time where you felt seen? Where you felt wholly, fully, genuinely seen for the way that you are and the way that you see yourself?
Alyxandra
I know prior to starting this I said that I didn’t think I was gonna cry but this might actually make me cry so… There are a lot of times. I am very lucky.
The most recent one or I say the most recent but the most recent one that comes to mind is an experience I had with my now partner in the, like, first couple months of us dating. She is also a trans femme person and at the time she did not fully arrived at that herself. But we were… laying in bed together – This is shortly after my name change – just held my face and she told me that she saw me. She used my full name. She just said it. And in that relationship, I have felt the most seen because I think that I’ve let my guard down the most frequently, the most often, and the most willingly with her.
That’s, yeah.
Jojo
That’s beautiful. I love that she’s able to help you feel seen, that you are able to see, feel seen by her and you are able to see yourself with her. So I’m happy that you have that. That’s beautiful. Thank you. Finally, the last question here.
Which I think I would like to end with this question, so before we wrap up, I would just like to say thank you for speaking with me today. Thank you for answering my questions and for talking about your life. I certainly appreciate it. I think it’s really important. And I’m happy that you are here and I’m happy that you are able to live as yourself because you deserve that and everyone deserves that. Of course, thank you.
So finally here, this is what we’ll end on. If your next sentence, phrase, thought could be broadcast globally to every person that is living right now, what would you like to say?
Alyxandra
Stop fucking killing us. Stop fucking trying to kill us. Stop fucking trying to erase us. We’re people. I’m a person.