do the trees smile too?
should she stretch and shadow the Shire
or should she sprout and shield their souls?
*****
My cousin, Sagan Lee Shire, was a light; Not simply in my life, but in the life of her siblings and every soul she came across. Sagan’s family is large and non-traditional: she has blood-siblings, step-siblings, adopted-siblings, and lost-siblings. She has more siblings than I can count on my hands. But to Sagan, the number of siblings she had or the relation between them mattered not. Without hesitation, even in times when Sagan was not living with her siblings, she could tell you the most niche and nuanced facts about each and every one of them; their favorite color, date of birth, hobbies, favorite song, favorite home video or made-up game, from where their favorite spot was in the house to who their best friends were at school. Sagan held, in fact, still holds, the title of ‘Older Sister’ in many of the same ways Serena does. With mostly younger siblings, it was a rare occurrence to see Sagan without one of her siblings sat upon her hip or without their fingers interlocked. The love she gave to her siblings, without waiver, is irrefutable. Even amongst the siblings that were closer to her in age – Darwin, Caleb, Clare, and Roman – their bonds did not even remotely resemble my own. Whether in bliss or dark times: gratitude, levity, and a full-life is what she would provide. Sagan prompted my desire for that siblingly-love; Her capacity for it was inspiring.
Yet, I had so few chances to receive this inspiration. Her family, the Shires, lived nearly three hours from the rest of our family. Growing up, we were lucky to see each other once a year, for a holiday or momentous birthday, and if the Shires would be attending, then it was likely a majorly-extended-family event. Traveling a large, and most often still-growing, family across hundreds of miles was no easy feat, so major events were the only ones necessary for them to attend. Somehow, I was lucky enough to have the closest bond with their family amongst our shared-Katsbulas-side. I recall traveling to their tiny country town for the birth of either Giovanna or Genevieve, perhaps it was Augustus; My family would be there to help take care of the kids while their parents were in the hospital. Most vividly, I remember Sagan and Clare insisting we play toilet tag; their family’s favorite game. I had never played before, but I was fascinated by the campiness of doing a spin after ‘being flushed’ to return to the game. Moving forward, when I returned to Topeka, I would beg my friends not to play tag, but to play toilet tag in honor of them.
A few years later, the Shires came to Topeka for the fourth of July. At perhaps 10 or 11 years old, I remember sitting with Clare, Caleb, and Sagan on my aunt Tess’s lawn. It was there that they would introduce me to my favorite reality TV show: Big Brother. Caleb lent me his account information so that I could begin watching. Moreso from that night, I remember Clare and Sagan telling me a feeling that I’ll never forget; A feeling that resonated with me then, and still resonates with me now.
That night, they told me that their family feels like “the others”. That my immediate family was the most liked, the most favored; That their family, even when invited to and in attendance of family events, felt off, as if they were unwanted, as if they didn’t fit in, as if we were the in-group and they were the out. At the time, I didn’t fully understand because I did not see them that way. In fact, I told them that. I told them that I felt closer to their family than I did my other cousins – the ones with whom I spent an entire summer staying with. Retrospectively, the Shires were right: they were the others and our family was not willing to treat them as they deserved. Had the Shires lived in Topeka in my youth, I am certain we all would have, and still would be, so much closer.
In the following years, their entire life would change. Their dad, my uncle, Eric Shire, died by suicide at their family’s farmhouse. Unfortunately, I never had a close relationship with Eric, but I know him to be a lover of his wife, of his kids, of his family, and everyone he came into contact with. Sagan and Eric shared their empathy and depth of care. The day it happened my family drove down to their town, to help and support by any and all means possible. His death was a shock, so without preparation, we took our two new puppies on the hours-long drive, resulting in puppy puke stains all over the car that would later become mine. The drive down and the entire time following, I was wholly unsure how to carry myself. How do I, at age 13, provide support to my cousins enduring a pain I cannot yet even comprehend? So I did what their family does best: I loved. I loved learning their memories from countless pictures. I loved hearing Eric’s voice in their Sasquatch Home Video. I loved seeing Eric’s possessions from swords to cowboy hats. I loved sleeping in the front room of their home with theirs and my family – a front room meant to sit maybe six people, now sleeping up to twenty including pets. I loved meeting their array of dogs and Elijah’s bearded dragon. And that was all I could do.
Following his death, my family would begin taking Elijah on our summer vacations. I feel so grateful that after years of being distanced from their family, we were finally afforded a real familial relationship. I learned so much about Elijah that year, and without that trip, I’m not sure he and I would be able to have such depthful and intellectual conversations today. Still, after our first trip together, I would beg my family to bring Sagan. Elijah was closer to Andrew’s age and I wanted my own friend on the trip too. We never did bring Sagan. In fact, I was told that she was just a bit too unpredictable to have on our family vacations. I didn’t understand.
Eventually, the Shires would move to Topeka to be closer to family and a new life. Eric’s children from his previous marriage, Darwin and Sagan, remained in their small town for a bit before moving back to Colorado. With distance between us as well as my closening-relationship with her siblings, I would tell Sagan that I was gay. I told Sagan I was gay before her sister, Clare, and before my other cousin, Mariah. She was the first family member to know I was gay. She was the first family member I trusted enough to love me exactly the same, and she did. Sagan would share her queerness with me too, and as we both grew older, I saw her become more and more vocal for our shared community. We shared a number of conversations about queerness, about my potential boyfriends, and about how to navigate this amongst our catholic family – she also knew I wasn’t quite as religious as I was presenting to be. To this day, I revisit these conversations, the ones saved to her Snapchat that’s been inactive for years. Sagan knew about chicago, and even got to meet them while they were labeled as my boyfriend. Sagan was the camerawoman for the first time I ever brought a boyfriend to a family event, and my family had no idea. Sagan introduced me to what I now know as queer joy.
When Katelyn came out, I turned to Sagan for advice. She gave me a shoulder to cry on, a place to vent, and offered some solid and sound advice. Sagan loved me and she loved Katelyn, though they’d hardly even talked. Her emphasis on love, non-judgement, and understanding helped to get me through that time. Sagan was passionate about human rights, about equality, and about quality of life. She loved her family so much, regardless of the depth of their relation. One of the earliest messages I have saved from Sagan says, “life sucks without family ya know, no matter how screwed up they are.”
The last time I saw Sagan was at Katelyn’s 8th grade graduation party. Honestly, I am not sure why she was even in Kansas, but I am so grateful I had that day with her. As always, us older cousins – Caleb, myself, Clare, Sagan, Roman, and Elijah – split off from the rest of the family. We chatted about what we’d missed and about whatever the current family drama was. I had a beautiful conversation with Elijah about god, and talked to Sagan about that conversation right after. Though she didn’t share his beliefs, Sagan was so proud of the ways that Elijah is able to express himself and converse about ideology, not forceful but instead curious and interested. I invited Elijah and Sagan to come to Lawrence to get tattoos before Sagan left for Colorado – that didn’t happen either, but god, I wish it had.
At the end of November 2022, Sagan died of a drug overdose. I was distraught. The family member I was most inspired by, the one I admired most, was no longer living, no longer someone I could turn to. My heart ached for myself, for her siblings, and for my family. Yet, in her death, my disdain for my family was solidified. The woman, Sagan Lee Shire, who was highly regarded as a light, as a tree, as a life worth living, was condemned in her death time and time again. My family pretended to come together, with my aunts all playing pretend. They pretended to care, while saying “She shouldn’t have been on drugs,” “She had this coming,” “She always followed trouble,” “Are you really surprised?” These thoughts are not what I assumed people to say, but what I heard come from the mouths of my aunts Agitha, Eliza, and Tess, my own mother, and my grandparents Dibb and Larold. I kept my distance from those people, one by one as I heard them speak. Again, I chose to love, sharing my memories with the Shire siblings, my own siblings, and my friends.
On the day of her wake, I was named an honorary pallbearer and wept something I couldn’t contain. I am lucky and elated, forever grateful, to have been given that title, to have had the relationship we did.
I miss her everyday, and I love her all the same. I’ve no idea what comes after life, but I hope we can meet again.
*****
I wonder if my cousin didn’t die
how my life would be different.
If her drugs were not laced?
Had she gained a bit of weight
would she still be our tree?
A guide to this life.
A life founded on trauma, grief, loss, and yet, feat.
I still cry when i miss you
my muse, lest when i sleep.
I lost my favorite cousin, at 22 years of age.
Why did it all stay the same?
My perception too poignant,
transparent false change.
Our family was fine
just another day.
Carry on, lack of care
”bad choices called her name”
This is why I have disdain.
I wonder if my cousin didn’t die
how my life would be different.
If I could call, use her ear,
Would we chat, The Inevitable Queer?
God, I loved how she loved,
how she supported, and emphasized care.
She could change our whole family
Our whole world, or just the Shire.
She was and is our tree
I am grateful wholly, daily, for all the memories.