They’ve got us exactly where they want us.

In fact, they’ve got me exactly where they want me. I am more than scared; Dare I say, prior to now, I have been petrified. For weeks now, I have succumb to an internal debate regarding my writing, my stories, and their publication — be it on my website or in a more formal structure. To balance fear and resilience is a difficult task. Yet, it is something our community is growing evermore comfortable with. I am aware of my audience, my reach, my impact, and how I fit into society at this time. I am aware of my identity, my difference to others, and my opposition to the common culture. I am aware of the oppressionist goals of our current administration, their plans to achieve them, and their unmatched persistence. The implications of using my voice are real, and potentially damning. Loss of access to my career, healthcare, education, free movement, and protection from hostility are all on the line. Hell, even my degree is mere inches away from authority revocation. I fear what is still to come.

Fear is their goal.

If I fear the use of my voice, they have silenced me. If I fear the sharing of my beliefs, they have killed community. If I fear what I have lost, they have prevented me from gaining. If I fear the future, I will only live in the past. Fear prompts paralysis. Paralysis will not be effective in (re-)securing our rights to exist without persecution. I’ve frequently heard that fear acts as one of the strongest motivators, but I have yet to see an example of this success. Fear, from my standpoint, acts as one of the strongest non-motivators, supporting inaction over action. Fear pauses, stalls, or ends an action. Fear — especially in the political realm — is a negative reinforcement. This is ineffective.

Resilience is our goal.

To be scared is to feel fear temporarily, and to understand that the feeling will cease. To be fearful is to be impacted by a scare after the prompting situation has ceased. Currently, we exist between these two poles; The prompting situation is ongoing, but will cease in the face of our resilience. Our issue, as it stands, is to overcome the issuance of paralysis over our community, and to re-channel our emotionality into productive measures. This is something we are wholly capable of; Not because we prefer to, but because we have always had to.

To be in the closet is to be hidden.

I want to hide; I want to pretend like the horrors our community faces are not reality, but some horrific nightmare-scape. For so long, I was pretending. 17 years of my life are marked by a consciously-produced lie. My time in the closet was certainly a means of protection, but I’ll always be curious about the change I may have prompted if those years had been lessened. If I came out when I had my first boy crush in the second grade? Things could have been different. If I came out when I kissed my first boyfriend? Things may have been different. If I came out the day before I was outed? Could things have been different?

Retrospect is a blessing and a curse.

I cannot change what I did or did not do previously. I can change the choice I make in the present, and those choices will affect our futures. Though retrospect causes discomfort in the unknown of what could have been, it also enables the certainty that present actions will affect my future. Retrospect suggests I should not have gotten married nor publicly discussed my queerness on this platform — I have made myself a target. Yet, retrospect also suggests that my non-action only enables our current oppressors, granting evidence to their goals. More and more these days I see the question, “How did Hitler come into power? Did no one attempt to stop him?” and of course, the answer is complex. Hitler certainly had his opposition, but there was heightened fear surrounding the consequence of non-alliance. Hitler and Trump, alike, demand the refusal of our values. Many will assimilate into this ideology, but

I will never relinquish my values.

My values, in fact, demand to be heard. My values do not deserve to be feared, nor should my values be fearful. My values have shifted; they no longer fear what is external, but they honor what is internal. My values are enraged at their attempted mutilation. My values are disgusted with their abusive treatment. My values refuse to sit idly by.

What do your values demand?